the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
zippers are such a cool invention
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
Randomize
