im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize
