I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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