The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
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