Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
