oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
Randomize
