Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Randomize
