shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
