Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
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