If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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