Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
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