Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
