I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Will exercising make me less horny?
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize
