she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
Randomize
