Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Randomize
