Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
hapi new year, hope this year brings u happiness and lots of sexi people ;)
stop writing like that.
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Randomize
