one two three fourrrrnication!
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Randomize
