he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
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