Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
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