so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
