I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
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