i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
Randomize
