I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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