i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Randomize
