Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
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