last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Randomize
