Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
he just fucked me for my cheese..
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
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