dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
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