I want you more than these girls want KFC
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
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