ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
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