I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
you made out with another girl for some wings
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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