I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Randomize
