someone threw a dead crab at me
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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