Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Randomize
