And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Randomize
