so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
lol hangovers are for mortals.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
