I can text with my tongue
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Randomize
