I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Randomize
