Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
