so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Randomize
