someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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