I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
