After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Randomize
