i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Randomize
