Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
it's like iHOP with fire
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
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