I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Found the puke drawer
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Drunk is not a location!
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
