I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
