I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
Randomize
