I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
home. puking in laundry basket.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Randomize
