Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
